Since May 2013, it has been our privilege to walk alongside individuals, couples, and families through Christ-centered counseling and care.

We remain deeply grateful for the trust you place in Baylight Counseling during some of life’s most meaningful and challenging seasons.

As many families and organizations continue to navigate difficult economic realities, we recognize the financial pressures that so many are experiencing today. We feel them alongside you. We have worked diligently to keep our counseling services accessible and affordable for the community, and for that reason Baylight has not implemented a fee increase in three years.

Beginning July 1, 2026, our standard counseling session rate will increase from $85.00 per session to $95.00 per session. This adjustment is necessary to help us responsibly meet rising operational expenses, maintain the quality of care we provide, and continue sustaining the mission of Baylight Counseling into the future.

Even with this change, we remain committed to keeping our services as accessible as possible. One of the greatest blessings of our ministry is the generosity of individuals, families, and businesses who financially support Baylight through charitable giving. Their partnership allows us to continue serving clients who may not be able to fully meet the cost of counseling services. We remain committed to helping ensure that financial hardship does not become a barrier to receiving care and support.

We are sincerely thankful for your understanding, support, and continued partnership with Baylight Counseling. It is our prayer that we would continue providing holistic, redemptive, biblical counseling to those in need throughout our community.

If you have any questions regarding this change, or if you would like to learn more about supporting Baylight Counseling through annual or monthly giving, we would be glad to speak with you.

Baylight Counseling is a donor-supported Christian non-profit organization (501c3). Your financial gifts may be tax-deductible.

Thank you again for allowing us to serve you and your family.

Grace and peace,

Joshua Waulk, MA

Executive Director

Like a surgeon, discussion must eventually go from talking about corrective surgery in theory, to life in the operating room.  As Jared Wilson has written, “You can’t talk about ‘Predator’ and ‘The Running Man’ and somehow smoothly transition into the Romans Road" (Link: The Imperfect Disciple). The simple truth is this: Biblical counseling and discipleship quite often require and involve asking and answering hard questions on the way to change.

Speak the Truth in Love

Contrary to the principles of Rogerian therapy, which teaches the counselor to merely reflect back to the counselee the counselee's own words in a spirit of “non-judgment,” Christians must recover their ability to both confront and be confronted “in accordance with the Scriptures.” This is an aspect of true, biblical discipleship that cannot, indeed must not be avoided when the time comes in any counseling case. As counselors, we will often encounter counselees who are not accustomed to biblical directness. Sometimes, we ourselves are unwilling to get to the point, preferring to “beat around the bush,” because we’ve been conditioned more toward “the Gospel of Nice,” than the Law and Gospel of Christ.

Whether we’re the one coming to the table for counseling, or we’re the one providing it, let’s remember the purposes for which God has gathered us in the counseling room (our sanctification), and take care to not muzzle God’s word. We do not create the message, we are merely the (privileged) heralds and recipients. of it.

Sometimes, the most productive counseling moments begin with asking and answering insightful questions that "cut to the division of soul and spirit, of joint and of marrow" (Heb. 4:12), like the one God himself asks of each of us in Psalm 4:2:

"How long will you love what is worthless and pursue a lie?” (CSB)

Counselor: How do you know whether God might use your question, asked at just the right time and in just the right manner, to lead someone to faith and repentance?

Counselee: How do you know whether your receptiveness and honesty toward hard questions will avail you of the heart work that only the Holy Spirit can provide, through the means of your counselor or discipleship partner?

Shine the Light:

1) If you’re a counselor, how have you been unwittingly (or directly) persuaded at times to avoid asking the hard question for fear of running your client away?

2) If you’re a counselee, how have you been tempted to avoid being asked a hard question, or providing a soft answer in order to move the conversation away from a core issue?

3) In either case, what needs to change, and what’s at risk if we won’t?

Or, is reconciliation closer to your present need?

Whatever the case may be, Dr. Sue Johnson, author of “Hold Me Tight,” and developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, identified three important criteria that, when present and active, promote the growth and stability of attachment bonds between husband and wife.

Johnson, influenced in her development of EFCT by that field of study known as attachment theory, understood that marital relationships would be little more than legal contracts without the emotional, soul-level ties that bind one to another.

“When love doesn’t work, we hurt,” writes Johnson.

Biblically Demonstrated, Clinically Defined

To help us understand better what we mean by “attachment bonds,” we can turn to “Attachments,” by Drs. Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy. There, Clinton and Sibcy write that attachment is an “overarching system that explains the principles, the rules, and the emotions of relationships—how they work and how they don’t work, how we feel when we’re with the ones we love the most.

Further, they explain that in attachment, we are asking ourselves a variety of questions: Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do you really care about me? Am I worthy of your love and protection? What do I have to do to get you attention, your affection, your heart?

With these ideas and questions in mind, Johnson identified her basic criteria as follows:

Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement, otherwise known as "A.R.E." While there may be other matters that we would want to address and be familiar with in seeking to nurture our attachment bonds relative to our spouse, we wouldn't want to be without these three.

By God’s common grace to all mankind, we can observe these attachment-building virtues demonstrated in scripture, and defined in the clinical counseling environment.

Johnson defines A.R.E. as follows:

Accessibility: This means staying open to your partner even when you have doubts and feel insecure.

Responsiveness: It means accepting and placing a priority on the emotional signals your partner conveys and sending clear signals of comfort and caring when your partner needs them.

Engagement: Emotional engagement means the very special kind of attention that we give only to a loved one.

Christian counselor Kenneth Sanderfer, who later published a Christian adaptation of “Hold Me Tight” with Johnson titled “Created for Connection,” observed that A.R.E. isn't novel to the Christian, but, he says, "This responsiveness is part of a Christian’s bond with God and God’s covenant with humanity."

We should ask ourselves, however: Is this so?

To be sure, we don't find the acronym “A.R.E.” anywhere in Scripture, so can we trust it's truthfulness and faithfulness to God's word?

In this case, we're not looking for verbatim scripture citations where the exact words are used; instead, we possess genuine examples of God relating to his people in ways that clearly demonstrate the patterns of responsiveness we desire in our actual marriage relationships--accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. Indeed, by good and necessary consequence, A.R.E. can reasonably be inferred as being present in the Bible long before the publications by Johnson and Sanderfer.

Distinguishing Marks

As one example among many, consider the words of David in Psalm 135:3 (ESV):

"On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased."

In this Psalm, David, speaking to God, recounts a time of need wherein he cried out to God, and God not only answered him, but responded in such a way that David's soul was strengthened. We could say that God showed himself to David as one who is accessible, responsive, and engaged.

Of this Psalm, Charles Spurgeon wrote,

"It is the distinguishing mark of the true and living God that he hears the pleadings of his people, and answers them; the gods hear not and answer not, but Jehovah’s memorial is—'the God that heareth prayer.'"

Imagine walking in A.R.E. toward your spouse in their time of need, despair, or suffering, and hearing them say in return, "my strength of soul you increased"!

In this example, we find reason to be encouraged in our faith in God, knowing that in our "day of trouble," he will prove to be accessible, responsive, and engaged (Jer. 29:13). God is, of course, so much more than these things, but he certainly is not less. And, when we experience him in these ways, our attachment bonds to him are made strong.

In theological terms, we call this “assurance.”

Follow the Leader

For husbands and wives who are actively working through a season of counseling, these and other passages provide working examples of A.R.E. Like a small child going fishing with their father for the first time, counseling couples can take A.R.E. as it exists as a counseling construct, and learn to "walk as Jesus walks" with his bride (1 John 2:6).

We do what he does.

We follow his lead.

Jesus is, in fact, the supreme example of these attachment-building virtues, par excellence.

As he has made himself accessible, responsive, and engaged toward us, so we can walk in grace and humility toward our spouse, seeking to emulate his pattern.

So, when it comes to your marriage and marriage counseling, A.R.E. you serious?

For the purposes of this short post, I'd like to offer just a few words from the Belgic Confessions of Faith, Article XXIV, which does a wonderful, at least in brief, of outlining for the reader what is the proper relationship of the above categories, so that they might rest in Christ with humility and confidence. This is all very important to the counseling process because even as we pursue biblically-generated heart change, we want everyone to know with  certainty where their hope is found in every way.

So, here's a brief quote for you from the Belgic Confession of Faith, Article XXIV, followed by a few followup questions for you to think about:

"It is impossible that this holy faith can be unfruitful in man; for we do not speak of a vain faith, but of such a faith which is called in Scripture a faith working through love, which excites man to the practice of those works which God has commanded in His Word.

These works, as they proceed from the good root of faith, are good and acceptable in the sight of God, forasmuch as they are all sanctified by His grace. Nevertheless they are of no account towards our justification, for it is by faith in Christ that we are justified, even before we do good works." Historic Creeds and Confessions, electronic ed. (Oak Harbor: Lexham Press, 1997)

For Discussion

1. Read Ephesians 2:8-10. Discuss what Paul seems to be saying here about the relationship of faith to works. How does Paul's brief (but important) explanation here support or correct what you've been inclined to believe?
2. Some are afraid that to place an emphasis on justifcation by faith alone is to set aside entirely the good and proper place of works in the Christian life. How does the Belgic Confession mitigate against such a fear?
3. If you've struggled with assurance of salvation issues, explain the difference in confidence one might hold when approaching the fruit of faith as the root of justification, versus embracing good deeds as the natural outcome of a life lived in union with Jesus by grace alone.
4. Where has fear produced by an unhealthy understanding of faith/works actually affected your day to day life? What would it mean to you to have this burden lifted?
5. While our good works are intended by God to bring him glory, and encourage us in our walk, they are never intended to be the source of our hope. J. Gresham Machen said, "Thank God for the active obedience of Christ. No hope without it." Machen understood that it was Christ's obedience to the law, and not our own, that was and is the ground and substance of our righteousness. It can never be taken away or lost as an adopted child of God. How does this great truth begin to restore your confidence in the sufficiency of Christ and his gospel toward your salvation?
6. What questions remain that you would like to discuss?

Digging Deeper

https://heidelblog.net/2022/04/heidelminicast-heidelberg-catechism-62-why-good-works-are-no-part-of-our-righteousness/

https://heidelblog.net/2020/05/christian-corrects-ignorance-concerning-the-role-of-good-works-in-salvation/

https://www.christianbook.com/marrow-of-modern-divinity/edward-fisher/9781845504793/pd/504793?en=google&event=SHOP&kw=academic-20-40%7C504793&p=1179710&utm_source=google&dv=c&cb_src=google&cb_typ=shopping&cb_cmp=20704678025&cb_adg=158509699641&cb_kyw=&utm_medium=shopping&snav=GMERCH&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIx_23oanChQMVNKlaBR18EQ2GEAQYASABEgIwFvD_BwE

https://www.heritagebooks.org/products/a-treatise-on-the-law-and-the-gospel-colquhoun-hardcover.html

https://www.amazon.com/Root-Fruit-Joel-R-Beeke/dp/1952599016

They say that words have meanings, and that those meanings matter. It seems, however, that in a culture formed by social media and hot takes, the use (or overuse) of certain key words that should communicate big ideas has frequently resulted in confusion surrounding those same words. Evidence of this phenomenon is the misshaping or warping of formerly useful words and concepts as they are appropriated by popular culture.

Take, for example, a phrase that I come across on occasion: “All is grace!” In my experience, those who use this phrase simply desire to highlight their awareness of the unspeakable kindness God has shown them. Their intention by declaring that kindness to the world is to display their gratitude to him. How curmudgeonly must one be to quibble with that?

The trouble for me is that I am not willing to assume the premise—that everything God does and works is properly assigned to the theological category of grace as opposed to kindness. To be sure, it seems the two words are inseparably related; yet nonetheless, they are distinct. In this brief example, we can appreciate how words, when over-used or misused, can lose their effectiveness toward good communication.

With that as the backdrop, I turn to the hot button topic of trauma, specifically with an eye toward the word’s use in the broader field of mental health counseling, and how that usage may be more or less useful in the church. Questions I want to consider include defining trauma clinically (in distinction to its popular level use), identifying its usefulness as a category of thought to the church’s ministry of caring for traumatized, emotionally hurting, or spiritually despairing people, as well as considering what the church risks when she uncritically assumes the culture’s malleable definition.

First, let me say that, as a seminary-trained, clinically-informed biblical counselor, I am thankful that across the board we have a much better understanding today than in the past of the topic of mental and emotional distress, its potential causes and effects, as well as clinical treatment options and/or discipleship approaches to soul care. It is an exciting time to be in this particular arena.

I am glad, therefore, that a topic once thought of as belonging mainly (if not exclusively) to combat veterans is now able to be properly applied to survivors of childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, natural disasters, and even serious car accidents. In many ways, this new understanding represents the opening of the door to help, which for many in times past was otherwise closed.

Even so, every action has an equal and opposite reaction; and so it goes with trauma. What was once narrowly applied to combat soldiers, is now being applied—at least in culture at a popular level—to a broad swath of scenarios that are questionable and warrant careful inspection.

All is not grace, but is every bad, troubling, distressing, or disruptive event in life properly identified as “trauma”? Or (to borrow a thought I heard elsewhere), if everything is trauma, then nothing is trauma. This is part of what we are risking, however unintentionally, when we are not careful with how we understand this insightful word, instead applying it to every disappointment in life, big or small.

So, what is “trauma”? We see that it now depends on how one intends to use it. Clinically, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Disorders (DSM-5) defines trauma as:

Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one or more of the following ways: (1) Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s); (2) witnessing in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others; (3) learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent or accidental; (4) experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse).¹

Beyond this description, there are a variety of other criteria that must be met before an assessment can be given that an event was clinically traumatic. These would include such things as reliving the event in triggering scenarios, avoidance of uncomfortable settings, and functional impairment as the result of psychological distress. When we apply the clinical criteria to facts and circumstances often labeled as traumatic in popular discourse, we see that not all is trauma, or at least not trauma as defined and intended by the clinical realm.

For pastors, deacons, and small-group leaders everywhere, it is now common to hear those under their care describe themselves as “traumatized,” or as “having trauma.” The cultural expectation today is that ministry leaders will respond quickly, with compassion and competency. But there is a good chance that some pastors are not exactly sure what the word means, or even how it is being used from one scenario to the next. This matters, because how the word is being used may have a definite influence on the best type of response.

For example, when one person says, “I have trauma from ‘church hurt,’” do they mean they have been clinically diagnosed with something like PTSD according to DSM-5? Or on the other hand, are they using the word in a more colloquial way? What is more, does the person who is using the word “trauma” colloquially actually need to be assessed clinically based upon their self-reported cluster of symptoms?

The only way any of us can navigate these issues with love for neighbor is to educate ourselves to at least some basic level of competency that helps us identify particular markers that trigger specific courses of action—for instance, scheduling follow-up sessions for pastoral counseling, and/or giving a referral to someone with a greater skill set or expertise than our own.

I would encourage every church and pastor to establish a relationship with one or more trained counselors in their community, who can come alongside them to help care for those with concerns about psychological trauma. Gone are the days where it was shameful for a pastor to discern that a certain counseling case was beyond their comfort level.

And here is a little secret I want all pastors to know: Even if you discern that the person sitting in front of you needs a higher level of counseling care than you feel equipped to provide, you can and should still seek to encourage them regularly by and through the wisdom of God’s Word. Even if they have clinically diagnosable PTSD, they still need to understand their circumstances in the context of a biblical worldview, and they need to be encouraged to respond daily to their suffering in ways that are in keeping with Scripture.

In this sense, there is never a counseling case for which you are utterly incapable of providing meaningful help. In case you wonder whether that is true or not, consider that even the secular American Psychological Association (APA) now advocates for clinicians to more openly incorporate “religion” and “spirituality” in mental health counseling. We may not agree with how they employ these words, but we can welcome their observations as a doorway into the lives of those who need the gospel applied to their suffering.

A recent article published in the APA’s Monitor states that, “Religious and spiritual beliefs and practices can be a powerful resource for patients who are working through challenges, including traumatic experiences.”² Understood in this way, we can rightly say that a referral to a counselor should never be thought of as total disengagement. Indeed, quite the contrary. Collaboration between a person’s counselor and their church holds out the hope of tremendous progress, and specifically, progress centered upon gospel hope marked by kindness and grace.

NOTES

1. American Psychiatric Association and American Psychiatric Association, eds., Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: DSM-5, 5th ed. (Washington, D.C: American Psychiatric Association, 2013), 271.
2. Zara Abrams, “Can Religion and Spirituality Have a Place in Therapy? Experts say Yes,” Monitor on Psychology 54, no 8. (November 2023).

Thousands of counseling hours over more than ten years at Baylight have made this biblical truth visibly evident. Life's dominating circumstances can surely weigh anyone down, but nothing saddles the soul with despair like the felt or perceived absence of hope. Matthew Henry, in his commentary on the Proverb, wrote, "Hope quite dashed kills the heart, and the more high the expectation was raised the more cutting is the frustration of it."

This year, and every year at Baylight, indeed, every counseling session represents to us an opportunity for the suffering soul to be reminded of and experience the calming truth found uniquely in the promises and benefits of Christ that belong to all believers at all times and in all places. While the presence of hope does not necessarily mean the immediate and final resolution of a troubling trial, hope does grant to the soul the confidence that circumstances can change over some measure of time. This establishing of hope provides the strength that one needs to endure. To be sure, the more intense and the longer in duration the trial, the more time might be needed to see hope become reality. Even so, nothing slows or brings the "cutting frustrations" of hopelessness to an end like the re-establishment of hope.

There can, of course, be a variety of reasons that a Christian might struggle to imagine that hope exists for them. But, there's one in particular that we desire to uproot where ever it's found. It can be called by many different names, but historically, it has been known as a failure to properly distinguish between God's moral law, and the beauty of his glorious grace--the gospel.

We Distinguish

The Protestant Reformers recognized that the ability to distinguish between these two pillars of the Christian life was the mark of a good theologian. Why? Because, the law and the gospel, while inextricably linked to one another, are eternally separate categories that perform quite different tasks in the life of the believer. To apply one where the other is needed is akin to thinking that the cancer patient's radiologic imaging is in itself curative. Imaging might tell the story and reveal the truth, but until the right medicine is applied, hope for the patient is deferred, making them, in effect, "sick."

Such is the situation for us as believers.

We must always be about the business of properly applying God's law and his gospel in ways that accord with the Father's design for both. Unfortunately, we have found over many years of counseling (and, the attentive pastor discerns) that too many Christians are not aware of this critically important distinction, and therefore, are too often turning to the law (and their ability to keep it) for hope, when what is unequivocally needed is the grace, mercy, and kindness of the gospel. Conversely, false hope is extended to unbelievers when the benefits of the gospel are promised to them apart from the necessary and unavoidable ramifications of a life lived in rebellion towards God's law.

But, the focus of this post on this New Year's Day 2024, is the all-too-common condition wherein the Christian, well-intentioned as they may be, seeks the benefits of the gospel in their ability to keep God's moral law and the performance of good works. While they may affirm salvation by grace alone, they functionally walk in a "salvation = grace + my cooperation with grace" posture, inadvertently turning the gospel on its head (cf. Romans 4:13-14). The Heidelberg Catechism, Questions 60 and 62 are particularly helpful here:

Q. 60: How are thou righteous before God?

Only by a true faith in Jesus Christ; so that, though my conscience accuse me, that I have grossly transgressed all the commandments of God, and kept none of them, and am still inclined to all evil; notwithstanding, God, without any merit of mine, but only of mere grace, grants and imputes to me, the perfect satisfaction, righteousness and holiness of Christ; even so, as if I never had had, nor committed any sin: yea, as if I had fully accomplished all that obedience which Christ has accomplished for me; inasmuch as I embrace such benefit with a believing heart.

Q. 62: But why cannot our good works be the whole, or part of our righteousness before God?

Because, that the righteousness, which can be approved of before the tribunal of God, must be absolutely perfect, and in all respects conformable to the divine law; and also, that our best works in this life are all imperfect and defiled with sin.

Not Merit, but Grace

In summary and application, Heidelberg might say to us, "If your heart is sick in some trial becuase of hope deferred, do not look to the law and the your performance of good works, but turn in faith to the one whose holiness and righteousness have been forever and perfectly credited to your account. On your best day, your evangelical obedience remains marred by your sin, and therefore unworthy of merit. On the other hand, the active obedience of Christ on your behalf means the right-now presence of hope for you and your household in whatever trial you may face, whether natural suffering, or the kind brought about by human sin." As Dr. R. Scott Clark succinctly writes, "The ground of our acceptance with God as righteousness is wholly outside of us. [emphasis added]"

Some of you may be wondering, "But, what about the role of good deeds and law-keeping in the Christian life?"

Certainly, you raise a good question, and one that the Heidelberg Catechism anticipates:

Q. 63: What! do not our good works merit, which yet God will reward in this and in a future life?

This reward is not of merit, but of grace. [emphasis added]

As we enter the new year, we know that many of you are facing difficult circumstances--the loss of income, illness, martial strife, addiction, parenting struggles, etc. Some of you have just encountered the truth of the matter, while others of you have been walking with God through pain and suffering for years. In either case, we desire that you know, or are reminded of the promises of God in Christ for you, no matter what you face.

Our prayer for you this year is that your hope would be found in the sure glories of the gospel, and that you would be encouraged by the fruit produced in your life by the Holy Spirit in relation to God's good law.

We close with this from Horatious Bonar (God's Way of Holiness):

"Terror accomplishes no real obedience. Suspense brings forth no fruit unto holiness. No gloomy uncertainty as to God’s favour can subdue one lust, or correct our crookedness of will. But the free pardon of the cross uproots sin, and withers all its branches. Only the certainty of love, forgiving love, can do this."

This well-established fact makes clear that married couples have great need for a finely tuned approach to conflict resolution. They need a philosophical and practical approach to arguing that honors the Lord, one another, and the topic with which they wrestle.

At Baylight Counseling, one of the well-established confliict resolution tools we use comes to us from Prepare/Enrich, an online marital assessment resource that has been used by many couples over many years to help restore or rejuvinate struggling relationships. Within the program is a Couples Workbook that contains a variety of practical homework assignments that have proven valuable. The conflict resolution exercise in the workbook does a wonderful job of providing husband and wife with a proven, helpful rubric by which to manage a given debate.

But, as helpful as a practical tool for conflict resolution is, I propose that it's not enough. Christian couples need more than a pragmatic system by which to argue--they need to know why they're arguing, and to then assess against Scripture the foundations of their own unique and individual motives for advancing that argument.

Consider the Source

James asks, "What is the source of wars and fights among you?" (James 4:1). While he wasn't writing in the immediate sense to married couples at a weekend retreat, his question plays well to husbands and wives who are locked in an endless cycle of bickering with no end in sight. James's answer is that "evil desires" are at the root of conflict (Cf. Reformation Study Bible, note on Jm. 4:1). Failing to assess the "evil" in the "desires," and instead assuming the rightness of their arguments thus becomes a great liability to successfully navigating any given issue in a way that is faithful to Scripture.

So, what are couples to do?

Interestingly, the Westminster Shorter Catechism Question #1 (later adopted into Charles Spurgeon's own catechism) is valuable at this point. It famously says:

Q: What is the chief end of man?

A: The chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.

Here, the catechism delivers to us a wonderful, practical, and helpful rubric to help slow down our often fast-paced, rapid fire methods of doing marital conflict (which are often nothing more than organiized chaos) by slowly and methodically evaluating the biblcial basis, warrant, and motive behind our truth claims. If we assume the rightness of the premise held out to us in WSC #1, then we can only conclude that the very foundations of the arguments we present to our spouse ought to be in accord with such a bold statement.

In short, if I am going to present a case to my spouse concerning why I am right, and she is wrong (a rarity, indeed), not only in the fact of the matter, but importantly, at the level of the motives of my heart, then I should be able to explain with clarity how and why my argumentation is offered with an eye toward God's glory, and our enjoyment of him--forever!

What I'm proposing is that before a couple carries on in conflict, both parties ought to take a time out, and individually evaluate and be able to explain how their conclusion is offered to God's glorification, and how it then promotes everyone's enjoyment of him. It is well within the realm of possibility that what either of them discovers is that while they may have some facts right, that it's the motives hidden deep in their heart that pollutes their position, thus rendering their argument much less valid.

From the standpoint of biblical ethics, it's not simply what we argue that matters, but why. In the Christian life, the heart always matters.

Consider Others

Lastly, I frequently offer up to couples locked in any conflict the words of the apostle Paul in Phillippians 2:2-3. Again, these two short, simple verses are not typically thought of as a passage about marriage. But, I contend, they are very much for marriage.

Here, Paul instructs his readers:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others.

I have said to couples on more than one occasion that if we in the church could just nail down these two verses alone, that we could probably eradicate 75% of the marriage cases we see at Baylight. That's not a scientifc statement, of course, but you get the point, I'm sure. So much of marital conflict is done not in accord with these plain and simple words, despite the fact that they hold out to us so much reason for hope.

Read what John Calvin wrote in his commentary on this passage concerning the words translated as "selfish ambition or conceit":

Strife is awakened when every one is prepared to maintain pertinaciously his own opinion; and when it has once begun to rage it rushes headlong in the direction from which it has entered. Vain-glory tickles men’s minds, so that every one is delighted with his own inventions. Hence the only way of guarding against dissensions is—when we avoid strifes by deliberating and acting peacefully, especially if we are not actuated by ambition. For ambition is a means of fanning all strifes. Vain-glory means any glorying in the flesh; for what ground of glorying have men in themselves that is not vanity?

When you put it all that way, does this sound like a manner of conflict resolution that would have God's glory and the enjoyment of him as its "chief end"?

Thus, couples engaged in a quarrel can turn to this passage, and ask of themselves questions that sound like this:

1. What are the motives of my heart that move me to argue for my position? Do they speak of self ambition, or do they evidence a God-glorifying humility before my spouse?

2. How does my argument show that I am interested in the good of my spouse, over-against my own self-interest?

This passage and the questions that follow will require a level of honesty before the Lord that can be difficult to access in the middle of a heated argument. That's why a "time out" accompanied by Scripture reading, meditation, and prayer can be needful. Assume nothing when it comes to your own sense of self-righteousness, other than the very real possibility that God might reveal something important to you, if only you'd take the time to listen.

So, what are you fighting for--God's glory, or your own?

In this post, let's take that preaching of truth to ourselves one step further in terms of practical application: Let's remember our baptism!

This may seem an unusual tactic at first, because, generally speaking, baptism has been understood almost exclusively as a promise of obedience we offer to God in obedience to his command.

What value, then, could "remembering" our baptism possibly hold when we're dealing with problematic emotions, or simply in need of encouragment in uncertain times?

Much in every way--especially if our most common assumptions about baptism aren't fully in keeping with the biblical record, or church history!

What if there's more to baptism, that is, for our benefit, than we've realized?

What More Can We Say?

While baptism may well be conceived of as an act of obedience (in part), and one in which we do indeed publicly identify with our risen Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, a question arises: Is that the only thing we need to know?

Asked differently, is the primary or sole nature of this "ordinance" of the Christian faith one of heavenward commitment alone, or is it properly understood as the "sign (and some would add 'seal')" of God's covenant promise to his people, first and foremost? I suggest the latter is superior or preeminent to the former, providing a foundation for us to remember our baptism for confident assurance when the storms of life blow.

Here are two samplings of what John Calvin had to say about baptism:

"Baptism serves as our confession before men. Indeed, it is the mark by which we publicly profess that we wish to be reckoned God’s people; by which we testify that we agree in worshiping the same God, in one religion with all Christians; by which finally we openly affirm our faith." Institutes 4.15.13

"There is no doubt that all pious folk throughout life, whenever they are troubled by a consciousness of their faults, may venture to remind themselves of their baptism, that from it they may be confirmed in assurance of that sole and perpetual cleansing which we have in Christ’s blood." Institutes 4.15.8 [emphasis added]

Here, for the purposes of this post, we find Calvin affirming the role of baptism as public testimony in the life of the beliver, but also affirming the goodness of Christians "remembering their baptism" for assurance and encouragement. Granted, the context here is the beliver's struggle with sin, but the principle holds in the face of suffering, as well.

And yet this question remains: How does baptism serve to provide us with assurance of heart when faced with life's most difficult circumstances?

Gaining an understanding of baptism as "sign (and seal)" of God's gracious new covenant promise is key. It's possible that this phrase is new to you. But, don't let that dissuade  you. Historically, the Protestant church has always confessed this understanding of the ordinance/sacrament. In recent generations, and particularly among the evangelical churches, this truth faded from view. It's time for a recovery.

After all, if baptism isn't given to us by God for our perpetual encouragement in the faith, then who is it for? Remember that God himself needs no encouragement!

What Has Already Been Said?

Consider the words of the Westminster Confession of Faith:

Baptism is a sacrament of the New Testament, ordained by Jesus Christ, not only for the solemn admission of the party baptized into the visible church, but also to be unto him a sign and seal of the covenant of grace, of his ingrafting into Christ, of regeneration, of remission of sins, and of his giving up unto God through Jesus Christ, to walk in newness of life. (Ch. 28.1)

In similar fashion, the early Particular Baptists, in their Second London Baptist Confession of Faith, wrote:

Baptism is an ordinance of the New Testament, ordained by Jesus Christ. To those baptized it is a sign of their fellowship with Him in His death and resurrection, of their being grafted into Him, of remission of sins, and of submitting themselves to God through Jesus Christ to live and walk in newness of life.

Likewise, R.C. Sproul, in his short book "What is Baptism," wrote:

"It signifies God’s promise to His people of a relationship with Him through His Son by faith. It is the sign of being in Christ rather than in the kingdom of darkness ... Baptism is a sign of God’s promise to regenerate His people, to liberate them from the moral bondage of original sin, to cleanse their souls from guilt and purify them so they can enter into a saving relationship with Him."

What we find emphasized historically is baptism as the sign of God's promise to save his people by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone. Yes, it serves as public testimony of the Christian's allegiance to the risen Christ, but before it accomplishes that purpose, we find it coming from God to his people (downward), as the gospel made visible to them and for their benefit.

It's Our Story, Too

Lastly, let's consider Paul's admonition to his audience in 1 Cor. 10:1-4. There, Paul recounts Israel's crossing of the Red Sea in the time of the Exodus as a type of baptism (specifically, he writes, "into Moses"). While attempting to not get "hung up in the weeds," we remember that in the Red Sea crossing, Israel was led out of enslavement to Egypt. Moses, himself a "type of Christ," miraculously led the nation away from the pursuing army, safely onto dry ground on the other side.

Of this passage, Tom Schreiner writes, "[Paul] designates Israel our ancestors, even though most of the Corinthians were Gentiles, indicating that believers in Jesus Christ are part of restored Israel. Israel’s story, Israel’s history, is their [our] history."

For our purposes here, Paul calls on his audience to remember the "baptism" of Old Testament Israel and all that it meant to the Jewish nation, so that the Corinthians might remember their own baptism and all that it meant to them in Christ (the true and better Moses).

Believer, if God gave Israel reason to hope in their baptism "into Moses," himself a mere man, how much more hope do we possess in the face of life's tumultuous storms when we remember our baptism into Christ Jesus?

Indeed, God was faithful then, and he'll be faithful now (HT: Vertical Worship).

"The sacraments are no nuda signa, 'bare signs,' no signa theoretica, 'theoretical signs.' They are also signa practica, 'practical signs.' When they are used in faith, the user actually receives, by the working of the Holy Spirit, the grace that they portray and seal. The sacraments are a means of grace." - Geerhardus Vos, Reformed Dogmatics

Questions to Consider

1. Have you ever heard of baptism described as "the sign and seal of God's covenant promise to his people"?

2. What has been your general conception about what baptism represents?

3. What difference might this conception make to the hope you have in Christ when facing a crisis, or some other time of uncertainty?

4. Make a list of the top three stressors in your life. What are you hoping God will accomplish in and/or through these current circumstances?

5. Make a list from your past of the top three times in your life wherein God was faithful to deliver you from or through a time of trial (whether you knew it at the time or not).

6. Did God deliver you through each circumstance just as you had asked, or did you see him do the unexpected at times (remember: the Israelites, while standing on the shores of the Red Sea, probably were not all expecting God to split the waters in two!)?

7. Now, relate the promises of God, signified to you in your baptism, to the worries you feel when considering your current trials? Why can you have hope that if "God was faithful then," he'll be "faithful now" (see music video at end of post)?

8. The Israelites, while receiving God's miraculous deliverance from certain doom at the Red Sea, still had to trust God and step out onto the dried up sea floor in order to cross over safely to the other side. What are some action steps that you can take now in relation to your trials as a result of your trust in God?

9. Share this discussion with your counselor, pastor, or trusted friend.

10. Pray, and give thanks to God for his gift of baptism to you!

"The New Reformation Catechism on Human Sexuality," by Rev. Chris Gordon, in partnership with the Gospel Reformation Network and Reformation Heritage Books, is just the right resource "for such a time as this." And, that time is one wherein the sexual revolution of the 1960's has morphed, over the course of many decades, into a cultural movement with a destructive appetite for all that the Christian church throughout history has known and taught as true, particularly where the nature of man and human sexuality are concerned.

The current backdrop for this broader conversation  certainly focuses on all that the LGBTQ+ movement has become, not only in America, but globally. And yet, the LGBTQ+ movement does not comprise the whole of what this catechism addresses. No, the catechism is much more than a rejoinder to the homosexual lobby.

The NRCHS presents key, biblical truths about human sex and sexuality in a Q&A format patterned after the Heidelberg Catechism of 1563. With 41 such questions and answers that are situated within four unique sections (Creaton, Fall, Redemption, Restoration), the NRCHS is a wonderful tool for pastors, small group leaders, counselors, and even parents and families who are aware that something is needed to cut through all the emotion and rhetoric for the presentation of a clear-headed, and unapologetic statement on what the Scriptures principally teach about human sex and sexuality.

We're glad to be able to recommend this catechism, and look forward to utilizing it in counseling with those who are struggling with sexual sin and sexual identity issues of various kinds. While some may find portions difficult or awkward to talk about, we believe that our current conditions in the broader culture demand that we carefully lean in to the content, and allow our minds to be renewed by material that is lifted directly from God's word, and in accord with all that the church has believed and taught about this critical topic.

As Dr. Rosaria Butterfield rightly says in the catechism's Foreword, "If nothing checks our will, our sinful desires will plunge us headfirst into all manner of spiritual, moral, and sometimes physical danger. No one is exempt from original sin and its consequences."

Here is a sample of the wonderful truths contained in the NRCHS:

2 Q. What must I know about human sexuality and my new identity in Christ?

A. Three things: first, how great my unholy desires and sexual sins are;

second, how I am set free from bondage to my unholy desires and sexual sins;

third, how I am to lead a thankful life of sexual purity in union with Christ.

The NRCHS can be purchased in paperback form at Reformation Heritage Books.

Expectations, and the proper setting of them, are the topic of this short post. Whether you're just getting started in counseling at Baylight, or you're five sessions in, we want you to have healthy expectations for what your counseling can or cannot accomplish.

The following two lists are general in nature, and are not intended to be exhaustive of all the possibiliities. But, we hope they will get you thinking about your counseling, and what your expectations, stated or unstated, might be.

Five Things Your Counseling Is Not

1. Your counseling is not intended to replace the proper role of the church and her God-given pastor-shepherds in your life.

2. Your counseling is not intended to replace the proper role of competent medical care for issues pertaining to your physical body.

3. Your counseling is not intended to dissolve or resolve in "three easy sessions" the life dominating issues that led you to counseling in the first place (although we might pray for as short a course as the Lord would allow).

4. Your counseling is not intended to provide a venue wherein your tightly held positions and opinions on any given topic will necessarily be affirmed over-against your relational opponent (any person with whom you have a disagreement).

5. Your counseling is not intended to provide a counselor who is both omniscient and omnicompetent (but they will point you repeatedly to the One who is).

Five Things Your Counseling Is

1. Your counseling is intended to provide for you, over time, a fresh perspective of your troubling circumstances and potential pathways forward that are faithful to the Scriptures.

2. Your counseling is intended to take into account the fact that to be human is to possess both a body and a soul, thus providing a holistic account of your story.

3. Your counseling is intended to empower and equip you to live and think biblically on your own as you grow in faith, steadily decreasing any felt reliance on your counselor, while steadily increasing your trust in God's promises.

4. Your counseling is intended to require your active participation and engagement, faithfully attending your scheduled appointments and completing assigned homework.

5. Your counseling is intended to help you find meaning, purpose, and value in the sufferings and traumas of this life, leanring that God wastes nothing in the life a believer.

We hope the two preceding lists, short as they are, will encourage you to think carefully about your expectations for counseling. Reasonable expecations, held in proper balance, can position both you and your counselor to work together toward Christ-centered, Gospel-driven change.

If you have any questions about what you've read here, please don't hesitate to ask.

At Baylight, we encourage and welcome this type of open dialogue about what it means to succeed in our work of "caring for souls."